Perkatory (pur kaw tawr e’) n. The anguished, prolonged period spent waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to be ready. 
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I am not responsible for anything I say before I’ve had my morning coffee. O.O
Never underestimate yourself. You can hard things if you try. Like making coffee, Before you’ve had coffee.
For all those women who say “All men are the same”, nobody said to try them all.
When someone says to me “great minds think alike”, I just look at them and think to myself, “you dirty little bastard”.
Recipes are like online dating profiles, they never end up looking like the picture.
At the store find a parent with their kid in the shopping cart and ask them what isle they are selling them on.
If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you the first time.
The next time you’re in a hardware store, fill your shopping cart with boxes of matches and kerosene, and walk around the store grinning.
There are two rules in life: 1. Never give out all the information. 2.
How soon after you get up is it okay to take a nap? Asking for a fr... asking for me.
I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens. O.O
In life it’s important to know when to stop arguing with people, and simply let them be wrong.
No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer it.
I was Born to be Wild, but only till 9:00 PM or so.
When women ask for your opinion, they don’t want to hear Your option, they want to hear Their opinion in a deeper voice.
I don’t think you’re acting stupid. I’m convinced it’s the real thing.
I hate when the credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay. -
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